One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life also happens to be one of the most simple concepts I have needed to understand. My life, like it or not, has been plagued by disappointment. Although this has caused quite a bit of damage, it has also taught me something. I have learned never to expect too much. Now, this may sound vague, and it is, but let me explain by giving you an example, directly from my life.
When I was fourteen, my dad had promised he would come visit me for my birthday. I hadn’t seen my dad in several years, and so this excited me very much. It was just a few days until my birthday, and I was so anxious I couldn’t contain myself. All I could talk about was how thrilled I was going to be when my father arrived. My birthday came, and I received a call from him, giving me some wild excuse as to why he was not going to be coming to visit, on such an important day for me. I was devastated. I had never been so hurt, or so let down before. I had expected to see my dad, and I was sorely disappointed.
From this single event, alone, I learned not to expect too much from others. The pain I felt from this one instance of let-down lasted for weeks. After getting through the pain, however, I came to realize that it is better to set lower expectations on the other people in my life, and be pleasantly surprised when (and if) they come through, rather than expect what is promised, and be let down. The story above should have sounded more like this:
‘When I was fourteen, my dad had promised he would come visit me for my birthday. I hadn’t seen my dad in several years, and so I was excited to hear that he might be coming for a visit. I went on with my daily life, and although I was excited to possibly see my father soon, I also remembered that he had promised me things before without following through, and he has several issues going on in his life that may prevent him from coming to see me. On the morning of my birthday, I got to celebrate with my grandmother, the woman has cared for me my entire life, and who has never let me down. When my father called, and said that he would not be able to make it, I was disappointed, but I was not devastated. It is possible that something came up for work, or he was just too busy to see me. Either way, I still spent a great birthday with the ones I loved.’
Although in both variations of the same story, I felt both excited to see my father, and upset when he did not show up, the intensity of these emotions greatly varied. In the second story, I not only set myself up to be pleasantly surprised when and if he did show up, I also was able to reflect on the positive aspects of that day, rather than letting the bad severely outweigh the good.
To sum up everything I have touched on, don’t set yourself up for disappointment. When you are promised something, it is okay to expect it, and it is okay to look forward to it, but do not become so obsessed with it that you allow it to cloud your vision. If a loved one promises something to you, check your emotions so that if they do not follow through, you are not severely hurt, and if they do follow through, you are pleasantly surprised.
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Mariah said,
March 4, 2010 @ 1:20 am
What if you don’t follow through? Would you disappoint yourself and others?
tcollum said,
March 4, 2010 @ 6:38 am
Following through yourself is another subject entirely. I’ll see if I can come up with some material to share about that.
Mariah said,
March 4, 2010 @ 5:35 pm
Thank you, you are quite insightful and I think you can explain it to me well.
Dark Slander said,
March 4, 2010 @ 4:04 am
Life seems to have a way making one resistant to hardship, or maybe it is the experience. Unfortunately this tends to be unavoidable. The main idea is to do this without becoming too pessimistic.
I was raised in an odd way, with my family teaching me not to depend on anyone but myself and to keep my expectations from others so low that I would never fall prey to disappointment. Seeing how this is rather on the extreme side of anti-social behavior, I wouldn’t recommend this.
The reality is I still do this, but I do realize there are people one can trust in life. Maybe not with every tiny detail but enough that you won’t be set back by huge disappointments. It doesn’t have to be family, friends and other loved ones seem to do the trick just as well.
My advice would be to not miss out on some amazing connections because of a history of set back, but be weary who you allow to connect. Trust like that should be earned over time.
tcollum said,
March 4, 2010 @ 6:37 am
I think it is important to find a balance between ‘no expectations’ and ‘heavy expectations’. I was disappointed when my dad didn’t come, but I was not devastated. It would be something to worry about if I didn’t care either way. Balance is the key
Zell Collum said,
March 4, 2010 @ 11:44 am
I think it is important to remember that regardless of others in your life you are a very worthwhile person and should regard yourself in that way. I think it is also necessary that if only one person believes in you and supports you there is something to hang onto and move forward always striving to do your best. The one gift I treasure the most from my father is that he taught me I could move mountains, if needed, and to always do the best that I could, no matter how small the job. That gift has served me well. I think the hardest thing in life to accept, is when parents let you down. You were let down countless times as a child growing up. I think the pain built up from each instance and now you are trying to sort it out. That is a good thing. What if you went your entire life not knowing what was important and just being in survival mode? You would miss so many wonderful opportunities, not to mention incredible friendships.
More on Expectations « The Social Outcast said,
March 4, 2010 @ 4:49 pm
[...] March 4, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized My good friend Dark Slander brought up a very interesting point that I think I didn’t give enough attention in my last post about expectations. You can read the last post here. [...]
Moving On « The Social Outcast said,
March 7, 2010 @ 7:07 am
[...] my blog, and made a great comment a couple posts ago, which got me thinking. Read the post Here. What she made me think about was the concept of forgiveness. She reminded me that, although I have [...]
Laure said,
March 25, 2010 @ 5:23 am
As a teacher, I hear this story all the time…just breaks your heart. One of my students told me that his dad was coming over spring break to bring him a birthday gift and he didn’t come…poor kid, his birthday was in January. Wonder how long he will have to wait for the gift???